Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Heart Of A Goof

"The Heart of a Goof" was actually a collection of short stories written by the famous P.G. Wodehouse. With due respect to his work, I'd like to present my own short story very similar to his in essence but very different in nature. This is about an engineering student, who also happens to be my very good friend (name withheld for obvious reasons). Let's just call my friend - P (I would use 'X' but it's too cool to use on him ;)).

P is alright otherwise but when it comes to commitments and relationships, the "Goof" comes into the picture! So, what is a 'goof' anyways? Lexically speaking, it means - An incompetent, foolish, or stupid

Heart of a Goof

So, P unfortunately (fortunately for us though), has a major crush on a girl in his batch, let's just call her Q. Somehow he gets her number or to be precise, steals it from a friend's phone. That's alright unless you use it, right? So, he called me up and asked me what to do. I simply told him to not use it. It isn't cool to do this (why I feel this is a long story, but I will cut it short for you. I messaged a girl,
stealing her number from another girl. The message was a little intimate. After 24 hours, I got a call from her father! Girl got pissed, her father got pissed and I was left stunned. It was not pleasant and unless you are absolutely sure that the girl wouldn't mind your message, DO NOT DO IT!). After 2 days I got a call from P. He explained how I had told him not to message and all but the goof did it anyways! Brilliant! Why am I even being asked stuff, here? That's not all, the guy from whom he got the number called him up and gave him a piece of his mind. The story was over. He simply blew up his chances at even talking to the girl.

After a few more crushes, P zeroed in on another girl, let's just call her R (I wanted to call her 'M' but I respect the character in Bond movies too much to waste on her). I don't know if engineering does stuff to you but you start to ignore external beauty completely after sometime. Is it the extremely sad Girl to Boy ratio, or whatever. The point here is that P was so desperate that he actually had a crush on a girl just because she was a girl. This, in my humble and honest opinion, was the point in P's life that he transformed into a complete goof. This started a couple of years ago, I guess.

Now, the goof went absolutely bonkers over this girl. He would call her and talk for hours together. About stuff that I cannot even mention here (since my parents read this blog too!). Then there was another twist. R got placed, and P did not. This would be unacceptable for R, so she started to use the girl's method number one (absence of acknowledgment of the guy) to ignore P. P was still normal about it (after some days of slight sadness, since he is after all - the goof). During this time, he would call me and talk about what normally guys usually speak of. He was not yet affected by the bug. All went well till the stupid girl (R) got hospitalized for some godforsaken tumor around her chest area.

She called him up and told him of the problem. This really gave P a kick and encouraged him to talk to her even more. The stupid call fest began yet again. This was when I came into the picture. Now, P would take my opinion on certain matters. He was actually thinking of taking the girl out for a date, to an expensive restaurant. Even this seemed ok, I mean after all a date is just harmless right. He got so obsessed with this idea that he kept on asking her everyday about it. Please notice that the goof never follows the wisdom that comes from the Godfather ("Never let anyone know what you're thinking!"). The girl got her operation done in Delhi and this is where begins the goofiest part of the goof. The goof then had a good reason to call R, i.e., to check on her health etc. As soon as the girl was back, the calling had reached a breathtaking volume.

Each time they talked, they talked for at least an hour. The subjects of their conversation were bizarre and both of them enjoyed equally.  Then, after R was out of bed rest, P did the unthinkable. He invited her home and even though she hesitated, he insisted and finally forced her to visit. I have absolutely no idea why he was doing this. But I suspected what anyone else would. The next day P called me up, it was just a normal conversation.

One day P called me and seemed to be very upset about this girl. He said that she never thanked him for anything, etc. I immediately shot back asking him why she would thank him (I mean after all, what did he do for her? Gave her a bunch of movies maybe). He hesitated for a while and owned up to the fact that he, when he came back from his original hometown, bought her a chunni! I have heard things in life, but nothing I ever heard could make me laugh so hard that I almost fell down on the ground, laughing! I laughed so hard that I am sure he regrets telling me this! Unfortunately this wasn't the last time he did it!

Things had become intense, they were talking every third day for 2 hours straight. Next he gifted her a pack of extremely tasty bhujia! What a waste! Her reaction to this was simply mind blowing. After he gave her the stuff, she said, "Why don't you eat it?". Wow! He was again probably pissed at her. The thing about the goof is that no matter how pissed he was with her, there was always a chance that he might just forget it and try to keep things as normal as possible (with the girl, not his life!).

While all this was on P used to consult this guy, who was living outside his state. This guy had absolutely no knowledge of human psychology, he knows nothing about relationships, his mentality is like a 10 year old and all he could think of to do with a girl is sex. According to P, however, this guy is a relationship guru, he has the experience required to help him out. So, the main reason why my advice was ignored was this idiot. Let's call him S. As you can very well see, it is very easy to impress P. Just say stuff that he wants to listen to and he's totally floored. S happens to be a great salesman of ideas and seems to be a Ph.D. in Mind-F*ck-ology. Whenever P called S or vice-versa, S would try to convince P to attempt to have sex with this girl (wow! what a friggin idiot!). I happened to read their Google Talk chatlogs once and all I can say is that it was disgusting! I am guessing S must be an absolute outcast in the place he stays in. All the guy talks about is driving his car at airplane like speeds (yeah, right!). Typical, I don't want to say it, Punjabi (no offense to anyone, please!).

So, S would keep screwing around with P's head. Telling him stuff like, it is very hard to get a girl after graduation, etc. A word of advice to you people. Please never listen to such crap. I mean, how desperate can anyone be. So, P would keep asking the girl R to come to his house and the worst part is she would come. The next time R came over, P was glued to her (as always). Then like an ass he asked her if she wanted to see stuff, something every guys' PC has. She said she would leave if he put that. (All this is not P talking, it is the stupid advice of S, and the goof follows it! Brilliant!).

I think it is now time we discuss the girl a little more. She is not confident. Her body language spells negativity. Her voice is not sweet either. She has no taste in music or films. And she isn't even blessed in the vital statistics department. God knows what P saw in her.

Just days before P's birthday, they had a fight (kind of). He told her he had a crush on her, after which she sent him a long message, which I told him was not from the heart but from a calculative mind. He did not believe me and sorted it out with her (seriously, stop asking me for help!). I'm a little foggy on the details. After that, P went for a drive with her and rammed the car into a tree (she was sitting in the car too). Then came P's birthday. He again got pissed with her because she did not wish him properly (whatever that means). She told him in many words that she isn't his girlfriend. P still did not get the hint. He called me up after he spoke to S, who told him he could change her and they could be together (what a f*cking loser, man! I cant believe anyone can listen to this a**hole!). My advice was simple, the girl is playing you, get rid of her! Do not call her. Do not attend her calls. Please forget her ( I actually said please). P was just wasting his time and a lot of money! The best part of it is that P's mom and my very dear aunt ragged the hell out of him.

So, days after all this, P again started to feel that R needs a dose of his anger, since, her response is too poor. So, he's at it again. This time raising the degree of shouting. He simply asked her if she thought that he gave those gifts just to get something out of her and she replied in the affirmative. This made him say stuff about his feelings, etc. (which is a load of crap). After this conversation came the "break up". Yes, he actually called it that. I mean come on, what was there to break anyways, thin air? He was fine for a few days. I must say I congratulated him every time I called him. But, again, dejavu, only this time she called him. Oh, wait, I did not mention that she was in his project group, and as we all know girls don't do any work and take advantage of the horrible G2B ratio to get it done. So, after a few days P went to the project shop which is very close to R's place. He picked her up and took her there. The shop was closed so they sat on the stairs. She sat on 2 stairs above him (probably scared of his hugging, etc.). He asked her point blank why she sat there. She said this is a public place. The funny part of this is that the driver.. Oh wait. I did not mention P's driver? His driver is just a driver version of S, only a little more extreme. He went on P's birthday and had a quarter of vodka - neat directly from the bottle without asking (he's a driver, not a friend). The guy drives a Govt. Amby and talks about nailing student girls for Rs. 1500. Crazy guy, best kept away from.. So, the funny part is that his driver knows everything about it. His suggestion. Throw acid on the girl's face (that's rational, isn't it?).

P was depressed for a few days before he simply just broke into tears. The guy cried for a girlfriend that never was (I'd call her Girl-FIEND). He called her home and she came with a friend of hers. They talked it out. Thankfully he did not cry in front of her. He had been taking anti-anxiety pills for a couple of nights now. She told him that she did not feel for him, etc. (thank you, little early for that isn't it). Then she went off. P was still depressed and called her up. He did the worst thing anyone could do. He asked for his books back and burst out crying in front of a girl who did not even like him. Perfect!

After a couple of days, the girl told him that she is actually committed to some guy who had been placed in Merchant Navy for a very good package (as in salary, not otherwise). Great. She has a thing for timing, doesn't she? This is when our Mr. P went on a rampage. Now he wanted the girl out of his project group, he wanted his books back, I wanted the bhujia back, though I never said it. I really fail to understand what he was trying to prove here. But he kept messaging her about what he was going to do. In fact after a dose of Trica (the anti-anxiety pill), he said she should tell her boyfriend of all the things they talked about and everything that happened between them. He even threatened to show her messages to her mother. Stuff has to happen when you're on roaming! I was, in this time, in Delhi. I requested him to have some patience. Next day, what I sensed was proven correct. The messages to P from R were all calculated. R was lying about the forced entry of this new boyfriend character, and as it turns out, she was testing his mentality. I mean come on man! That is the lamest thing I have ever heard.

This was when I was convinced that P finally needed the dose of his life. So, God bless conference calls. I called up our common friend (let's call him N). It was a handicap match and P never stood a chance against the absolutely brutal N and a highly sarcastic A (me). After I felt his head was back on the right place and out of all the delusional thoughts he had, I allowed him to go to sleep. Then he never talked of the girl. She was hopefully flushed out of his system.

So far so good. He hasn't been doing stupid things in these past few days. Apart from Girlfriend hunting (somewhat like an arranged marriage, you can call it arranged relationship or something) of course. Come on, the guy needs to talk dirty to a girl. For this he's taking help from a sister cousin of his, who again, he feels, is a goddess of relationships (oh, boy, here we go again!).

So, when P calls me up now, I just try my best to not give my advice, unless it's an S.O.S. This has to be the longest thing I have ever written. But I had to highlight each character for this to be a colourful experience. Hope it has been that way. It may have been boring in the middle but I think this story teaches us a lot.

Credits to my friend P without whom the story would not even exist could have been uncut, with more fun. I just edited a lot out of it on his request. Now I know how the directors feel about the Censor Board of India.

Your comments please.

EDIT: There has been speculation on the motive of this story. All of them apart from the following are incorrect. The main motive of this story is not making fun of my friend. It is to make a point. One very big point. No matter how much you ask people for advice, it all boils down to you following it or not. Free will is a very strong weapon. It's a weapon of choice. We fall prey to such situations because of our own actions. No one put P in the situation he was in, but himself. I request you to see the story from this perspective. Learn from things. Humor is used here to keep you entertained, while you absorb the real message of the story.
Once again, thanks a lot for reading.


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